I was so looking forward to a quiet weekend, but I needed to get Miss Kitty to her hair appointment and trade in Brother Tom's cable box. Tom's cable box had been cutting out, and a day without cable is a day without sunshine in Tom's room. So after dropping off Miss Kitty, I headed over to Cablevision to exchange boxes. There were only 3 people on line, so I was sure it was my lucky day. NOT SO FAST! I got up to the counter and explained the problem, well the boxes got changed and all I needed to do was sign the form and show ID. It seems even if you give them a box, have a copy of the bill that matches the box, you can't exchange the box if your name is not on the account. So how do you do it? Get a letter from the account holder. What if the account holder is deceased? Like I said get a notarized letter from the account holder. No I didn't mistype, it seems if the account holder is dead, the letter has to be notarized. I left Mr. Lazy pants sitting on his stool and stormed out. I then called customer service, explained the problem, and within 3 mins was on the account. Yes, it seems easier to do things over the phone without ID then in person. So I reentered the store and guess what. Yes there is now 20 people on line. Thankfully, I got another employee who was willing to stand up and help me, and in 50 "fast" minutes I had a new box. As for Mr. Lazy Pants, he didn't even get off his ass the second time around and check to make sure I wasn't pulling a fast one. So store loyalty NO, customer friendly NO, hemorrhoids You Bet! With that behind me, I headed home. after collecting Miss Kitty, for a quiet evening of back pain from the standing in line. Vicodin Take me away! By the way, after all was said and done, The account was in James' name. Oops-a-daisy, i killed him off and didn't even send flowers.
James had stayed in Merrick Friday night, because of chores he needed to complete, which worked out because I had a wake and a funeral to attend Saturday morning. Vinny, a friend of mine for years, had lost his partner Angel to complications from a stroke. Angel was only 34, which is just tragic, even if he was 7 yrs. older than I. Caught that, did you? Okay 2 years. I arrived at the funeral home to find John "Mustang Sally" and Helen, the Polish Lesbian, inside. I geniously offered my condolences to Vinny, and slid up to the wallpaper. From there I watched poor Helen trying to read the memorial card. She tried with her glasses, without her glasses, with her arms extended yet nothing worked. It was then that someone explained to her that because Angel was Peurto Rican, the cards were in Spanish. Finally the light bulb appeared above her, a 4 watt bulb but still a bulb indeed. Helen hunted for English cards and arrived back with over a dozen. Mustang John was going to ask what she planned to do with them but thought better of it, realizing that all that mattered to Helen is that they were free. After seeing a really handsome mourner, I was going to quietly joke with John if it was appropriate to hit on someone at a wake, but the point was moot, as he bee-lined for the guy saying "Come here often?". Tacky! Tacky! Tacky! "Were you 2 close and give me details?" has a more high-browed ring. The funeral was directly after the wake, and though I'm sure it was a financial decision, it really is beneficial and convenient. I arrived at the church, to find "Yenta" Eddie at the church. I sat right next to Eddie and await the mass. As the Mass starts, I start to suffer back spasms in the pew. Whoever designed church pews knew what Penance is! To add further to the discomfort, the Mass is all in Spanish, Eddie is translating, and we seem to be the only 2 that know when to stand, sit and kneel. I thought all gays were altar boys?
I arrive Home before I'm in full spasm and rest before "Tsunami" James arrives. Once he shows, we are off to Martin Viette Nurseries. Thankfully, James is just searching for trees and bushes for his mothers house, though that has never stopped him from going on a shopping spree. But in one of those rare moments in the past 8 years, we walk out empty handed. Our next stop is K-Mart. James needs to disguise himself, I guess thinking Nordstroms has spies searching the lowend stores for traitors. We finish our chores late in the day, and we poop out at home. We were going up to the Cinema Arts Centre in Huntington to see Joan River's documentary, but alas even my popcorn craving can't get me out.
Sunday starts very early, Gardening waits for no man. I toil outside, while James heads back to Merrick to finish his assigned chores. Hey, if he doesn't Miss Kitty won't give him his allowance! After mastering the Art of floriculture, I start cooking the chicken wings for Cha Cha's house party, using James' very special secret recipe. When James readies himself , we head out. We arrive at Cha Cha's very fashionably late (An hour and half). We arrive, to see Cha Cha's guests weeding and laboring. What have I got us into. We adeptly avoid getting dragged into the drudgery, grabbing a beer and heading down towards the pool. Cha Cha has gotten a new undisciplined puppy. Well actually a 24 yr old boy toy named John, but trust me he's a lost puppy; Very Cute, hyperactive, and very exasperating! We finally got to meet Cha Cha's fag hag Michelle, who is loud, sarcastic, and a tad abrasive. WE LOVED HER IMMEDIATELY! We chat around the pool, while Cha Cha struggles to make the party low-key. The poor thing didn't hire any domestics, which is rule 3 in Gay Hosting 101. Since you asked, Rule 1. Put out the crap liquor, it's free so they'll drink it. Rule 2. Lock the bedroom doors or the tramps will be setting up camp. When Cha Cha wasn't busy fetching Lapso-Apso John a drink, he was busy readying the table for dinner. James got into a intellectual conversation with John to amuse himself. The Cliff Notes of the conversation are 1. He wants 3 kids , Cha Cha wants 2; 2.Cha Cha can drive the kids to soccer, while John teaches them sports; 3. They plan to redo the whole back yard 4. Cha Cha is going to buy him a Mustang (Car). Can anyone say STALKER? Any possible chance of things being civil disappeared when venomous Vinny showed. For those who don't know Vinny let me just say I'm benevolent comparatively. Yes, He's that bad. Vinny apologized for being late, but explains there are 4 High Schools on the way, and he got distracted. Right after Vinny, Bucca Bill and Insatiable showed up and that as they say made the coven complete. The night stayed pretty mellow with the main conversation being barbs at John, which soar over his head, and James and I left early. James left for Merrick, while I selflessly offered to go back for his left behind Sunglasses. Sparky, my dog, accompanied me. Well being the party animal he is, we stayed till the wee hours of the morning. We knew the party was over when John called Vinny "Pops". We sadly left Martin with Lapso Apso John and a mess. Hey I offered to give him my maid's number, So don't judge me!
Well I'm done rambling on so Tata for now. I usually just add videos to lighten up the blog or be informative, but trust me on this. THIS ONE IS HYSTERICAL! Enjoy.
